It's been a while....
It's also been very rough. My son refusing to speak to me has me in a deep depression. He's 600 miles away. A week ago, I was up by myself online and happened to look over and see my metformin(diabetes med) bottle. I impulsively took the bottle of pills. An hour later, I panicked. I woke Kelly and we called an ambulance. I stayed in ICU for 2 days, then the mental ward for 4 days. I thought I would NEVER do anything like that again. I don't think I wanted to die, otherwise I wouldn't have told Kelly. In my other attempt, I've never told anyone and they haven't been with pills. I usually lose alot of blood when I try if you understand. But someone always fins me unconcious in a mess of blood.
I feel so damn guilty. My mother, who usually gets very angry was so very supportive this time. She even sent me a recovery card. Also, my sister who just went through a miscarriage and has been in so much emotional pain has been supportive. It makes me feel better that they aren't angry with me. It gives me strength.
If you read this, know that suicide is never the answer. You can live through anything if you try hard enough. Never give up!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Raging.
My father's birthday was 4 days ago. He would have been 60 years old but died at 54. Why do I miss him so?
I shouldn't. He could be a monster but he could also be so charming. He would randomly let me take a day out of school because I was doing so well. I loved him. But he could change so rapidly. I was always on guard.
PTSD never goes away. Ten years of therapy for me and it is still there. My 15 year old son has been affected by this also, although he doesn't know it. He doesn't know his grandfather is the reason that I had to send him away at 5 years old and he never will. I will carry it for him. But now he won't speak to me or see me due to some past events and the fact that I'm a lesbian.
I'm so angry right now..raging. I've self harmed tonight. I haven't done it in a very long time but I couldn't hold back tonight. I feel guilty but am aching to do more.
THIS is PTSD!!!
It RUINS lives!!
I shouldn't. He could be a monster but he could also be so charming. He would randomly let me take a day out of school because I was doing so well. I loved him. But he could change so rapidly. I was always on guard.
PTSD never goes away. Ten years of therapy for me and it is still there. My 15 year old son has been affected by this also, although he doesn't know it. He doesn't know his grandfather is the reason that I had to send him away at 5 years old and he never will. I will carry it for him. But now he won't speak to me or see me due to some past events and the fact that I'm a lesbian.
I'm so angry right now..raging. I've self harmed tonight. I haven't done it in a very long time but I couldn't hold back tonight. I feel guilty but am aching to do more.
THIS is PTSD!!!
It RUINS lives!!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
STUPID.
I'm beginning to feel like an idiot for creating this blog. I can't find any American English blogs on here and none will translate for me.
I'm pissed off and wish somneone would help if you know how. Also, I see some people will +1 my posts but how do I know who they are?
Ughh...I've researched until my eyes feel like they will fall out...thanks.
I'm pissed off and wish somneone would help if you know how. Also, I see some people will +1 my posts but how do I know who they are?
Ughh...I've researched until my eyes feel like they will fall out...thanks.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
HELP!
Ok, I have my language set to English but I can't find hardly any English language blogs. It's getting boring and no one comments anyhow. Can someone please comment and tell me how to find English language blogs or blogs related to mine (personal)...(venting)...(child abuse prevention)...etc.
I would really appreciate any help with this!
I would really appreciate any help with this!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Oh Mother
She didn't do this but she was hurting too..I love my Mom always. If things are too personal I can't apologize because this is my venting spot. And right about now, I have alot of shit to say...thanks.
Almost Murder.
I'll tell you a story of a little girl.
I'll make it as short as possible.
This little girl was raped by her father for the first time at age 7. This continued until age 12.
She was beaten by him as was her mother. They were married for 18 years before her mother decided this was enough. She blamed her mother more than her father simply because her mother knew of the abuse and didn't protect her. It took years for her relationship with her mother to become healthy and happy.
She had a child but she sent him away when he was 5 years old due to dissociations(losing time). She was no longer able to be a responsible mother and this terrified her and broke her. She had her associates degree and was working on a bachelor's but it was all crushed. She had pushed the abuse so far down that it came out subconciously.
Her son went to live with her aunt and uncle and has thrived there. He is now 15. She had 2 relationships with men but always knew she was a lesbian but was too afraid of what her family would think. But at 30 years old she had to become herself. Of course, they were shocked and horrified and they still believe she will go to hell. She is a Christian and has researched plenty enough to believe that God will not send her to hell for loving someone.
She told her son that she was gay last year when he was 14. She had hidden it from him for 5 years. He has now told her he wants no contact with her and that he won't forgive her for being gay. This breaks her every single day. She sits and stares at his pictures but she can't cry. Crying was forbidden as a child or there were dire consequences. She still doesn't "know" how to cry.
The biggest part of this story is that at 30 years old she tried to kill her father. Her brother had gone to visit him and he called crying saying that his father had threatened to take him outside and beat him. He was 17. She and her mother went to pick him up. Her mother forbid her to ger out of the van but she immediately jumped out in the driveway and went into his trailer where he lived in his mother's driveway. He immediately stood up and kicked her back into the doorway saying "You get out of here!" But you see, she was no lounger that scared little girl. Her father had esophageal cancer and was weak. She pushed him hard and he fell onto the sofa. She jumped on him and put both hands around his throat. He could barely talk but managed to squeak out "the gun is in the corner, use it". She said "No, I want to do this with my hands just as you hurt me with your hands and body". She choked him it seemed like forever. Her brother finally broke in and pulled her away. You see, he had been looking through the window the whole time and was going to let her punish their father but then he realized she was going to kill him. The father grabbed the phone and her grabbed it away saying "If you call the police on her, we will air everything you did to her".
They both left with their mother after that and later found out that she had dislodged the stint in his throat that he had due to the cancer. She didn't speak to him for 6 months after that. He died 6 months later. She never apologized. She never got closure. She will never have it. She has his ashes in a little pretty glass bowl. She treasures them but doesn't know why.
The confusion is terrible. Why does she miss him so? He hurt her so bad. She has PTSD due to his abuse. She lost her son due to it. She lost her dreams. She almost lost her life twice due to suicide attempts.
This little girl who is now 35 years old is guilty. The guilt is immense. She takes so many medications. She is in recovery from alcoholism and fights it everyday.
This little girl can't find a purpose. Her son was her purpose. Her plans and dreams were her purpose.
She was put on disability at 25 years old and the doctors won't let her off. She is scared to leave her house. She rarely feels safe. Although, she is the one who is the most dangerous to herself.
She prays for peace. She has good days. She laughs but it's forced. She doesn't feel that she belongs anywhere.
But she is healing slowly. She is getting stronger, although it's a slow process. She is an advocate for children. She has stopped child abuse in stores, at a neighbor's apartment, and even at a Christmas event. She believes in speaking out. She believes in helping children to tell someone, to get help from anyoone who will help. The damage is immense and it must stop. It ruins lives and she believes it is cause for many mental illnesses, alcoholism, and drug addiction. Please speak out. Help the children.
You may take a guess who this little girl is....thank you.
Also, I'm sorry for linking this twice. I had to add something and I'm still learning how to blog. Thanks for your patience.
Also, I would love to hear your comments if you would like to leave any. Thanks.
I'll make it as short as possible.
This little girl was raped by her father for the first time at age 7. This continued until age 12.
She was beaten by him as was her mother. They were married for 18 years before her mother decided this was enough. She blamed her mother more than her father simply because her mother knew of the abuse and didn't protect her. It took years for her relationship with her mother to become healthy and happy.
She had a child but she sent him away when he was 5 years old due to dissociations(losing time). She was no longer able to be a responsible mother and this terrified her and broke her. She had her associates degree and was working on a bachelor's but it was all crushed. She had pushed the abuse so far down that it came out subconciously.
Her son went to live with her aunt and uncle and has thrived there. He is now 15. She had 2 relationships with men but always knew she was a lesbian but was too afraid of what her family would think. But at 30 years old she had to become herself. Of course, they were shocked and horrified and they still believe she will go to hell. She is a Christian and has researched plenty enough to believe that God will not send her to hell for loving someone.
She told her son that she was gay last year when he was 14. She had hidden it from him for 5 years. He has now told her he wants no contact with her and that he won't forgive her for being gay. This breaks her every single day. She sits and stares at his pictures but she can't cry. Crying was forbidden as a child or there were dire consequences. She still doesn't "know" how to cry.
The biggest part of this story is that at 30 years old she tried to kill her father. Her brother had gone to visit him and he called crying saying that his father had threatened to take him outside and beat him. He was 17. She and her mother went to pick him up. Her mother forbid her to ger out of the van but she immediately jumped out in the driveway and went into his trailer where he lived in his mother's driveway. He immediately stood up and kicked her back into the doorway saying "You get out of here!" But you see, she was no lounger that scared little girl. Her father had esophageal cancer and was weak. She pushed him hard and he fell onto the sofa. She jumped on him and put both hands around his throat. He could barely talk but managed to squeak out "the gun is in the corner, use it". She said "No, I want to do this with my hands just as you hurt me with your hands and body". She choked him it seemed like forever. Her brother finally broke in and pulled her away. You see, he had been looking through the window the whole time and was going to let her punish their father but then he realized she was going to kill him. The father grabbed the phone and her grabbed it away saying "If you call the police on her, we will air everything you did to her".
They both left with their mother after that and later found out that she had dislodged the stint in his throat that he had due to the cancer. She didn't speak to him for 6 months after that. He died 6 months later. She never apologized. She never got closure. She will never have it. She has his ashes in a little pretty glass bowl. She treasures them but doesn't know why.
The confusion is terrible. Why does she miss him so? He hurt her so bad. She has PTSD due to his abuse. She lost her son due to it. She lost her dreams. She almost lost her life twice due to suicide attempts.
This little girl who is now 35 years old is guilty. The guilt is immense. She takes so many medications. She is in recovery from alcoholism and fights it everyday.
This little girl can't find a purpose. Her son was her purpose. Her plans and dreams were her purpose.
She was put on disability at 25 years old and the doctors won't let her off. She is scared to leave her house. She rarely feels safe. Although, she is the one who is the most dangerous to herself.
She prays for peace. She has good days. She laughs but it's forced. She doesn't feel that she belongs anywhere.
But she is healing slowly. She is getting stronger, although it's a slow process. She is an advocate for children. She has stopped child abuse in stores, at a neighbor's apartment, and even at a Christmas event. She believes in speaking out. She believes in helping children to tell someone, to get help from anyoone who will help. The damage is immense and it must stop. It ruins lives and she believes it is cause for many mental illnesses, alcoholism, and drug addiction. Please speak out. Help the children.
You may take a guess who this little girl is....thank you.
Also, I'm sorry for linking this twice. I had to add something and I'm still learning how to blog. Thanks for your patience.
Also, I would love to hear your comments if you would like to leave any. Thanks.
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