Raging.

My father's birthday was 4 days ago. He would have been 60 years old but died at 54. Why do I miss him so?

I shouldn't. He could be a monster but he could also be so charming. He would randomly let me take a day out of school because I was doing so well. I loved him. But he could change so rapidly. I was always on guard.

PTSD never goes away. Ten years of therapy for me and it is still there. My 15 year old son has been affected by this also, although he doesn't know it. He doesn't know his grandfather is the reason that I had to send him away at 5 years old and he never will. I will carry it for him. But now he won't speak to me or see me due to some past events and the fact that I'm a lesbian.

I'm so angry right now..raging. I've self harmed tonight. I haven't done it in a very long time but I couldn't hold back tonight. I feel guilty but am aching to do more.

THIS is PTSD!!!

It RUINS lives!!