It's been a while....
It's also been very rough. My son refusing to speak to me has me in a deep depression. He's 600 miles away. A week ago, I was up by myself online and happened to look over and see my metformin(diabetes med) bottle. I impulsively took the bottle of pills. An hour later, I panicked. I woke Kelly and we called an ambulance. I stayed in ICU for 2 days, then the mental ward for 4 days. I thought I would NEVER do anything like that again. I don't think I wanted to die, otherwise I wouldn't have told Kelly. In my other attempt, I've never told anyone and they haven't been with pills. I usually lose alot of blood when I try if you understand. But someone always fins me unconcious in a mess of blood.
I feel so damn guilty. My mother, who usually gets very angry was so very supportive this time. She even sent me a recovery card. Also, my sister who just went through a miscarriage and has been in so much emotional pain has been supportive. It makes me feel better that they aren't angry with me. It gives me strength.
If you read this, know that suicide is never the answer. You can live through anything if you try hard enough. Never give up!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Raging.
My father's birthday was 4 days ago. He would have been 60 years old but died at 54. Why do I miss him so?
I shouldn't. He could be a monster but he could also be so charming. He would randomly let me take a day out of school because I was doing so well. I loved him. But he could change so rapidly. I was always on guard.
PTSD never goes away. Ten years of therapy for me and it is still there. My 15 year old son has been affected by this also, although he doesn't know it. He doesn't know his grandfather is the reason that I had to send him away at 5 years old and he never will. I will carry it for him. But now he won't speak to me or see me due to some past events and the fact that I'm a lesbian.
I'm so angry right now..raging. I've self harmed tonight. I haven't done it in a very long time but I couldn't hold back tonight. I feel guilty but am aching to do more.
THIS is PTSD!!!
It RUINS lives!!
I shouldn't. He could be a monster but he could also be so charming. He would randomly let me take a day out of school because I was doing so well. I loved him. But he could change so rapidly. I was always on guard.
PTSD never goes away. Ten years of therapy for me and it is still there. My 15 year old son has been affected by this also, although he doesn't know it. He doesn't know his grandfather is the reason that I had to send him away at 5 years old and he never will. I will carry it for him. But now he won't speak to me or see me due to some past events and the fact that I'm a lesbian.
I'm so angry right now..raging. I've self harmed tonight. I haven't done it in a very long time but I couldn't hold back tonight. I feel guilty but am aching to do more.
THIS is PTSD!!!
It RUINS lives!!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
STUPID.
I'm beginning to feel like an idiot for creating this blog. I can't find any American English blogs on here and none will translate for me.
I'm pissed off and wish somneone would help if you know how. Also, I see some people will +1 my posts but how do I know who they are?
Ughh...I've researched until my eyes feel like they will fall out...thanks.
I'm pissed off and wish somneone would help if you know how. Also, I see some people will +1 my posts but how do I know who they are?
Ughh...I've researched until my eyes feel like they will fall out...thanks.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
HELP!
Ok, I have my language set to English but I can't find hardly any English language blogs. It's getting boring and no one comments anyhow. Can someone please comment and tell me how to find English language blogs or blogs related to mine (personal)...(venting)...(child abuse prevention)...etc.
I would really appreciate any help with this!
I would really appreciate any help with this!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Oh Mother
She didn't do this but she was hurting too..I love my Mom always. If things are too personal I can't apologize because this is my venting spot. And right about now, I have alot of shit to say...thanks.
Almost Murder.
I'll tell you a story of a little girl.
I'll make it as short as possible.
This little girl was raped by her father for the first time at age 7. This continued until age 12.
She was beaten by him as was her mother. They were married for 18 years before her mother decided this was enough. She blamed her mother more than her father simply because her mother knew of the abuse and didn't protect her. It took years for her relationship with her mother to become healthy and happy.
She had a child but she sent him away when he was 5 years old due to dissociations(losing time). She was no longer able to be a responsible mother and this terrified her and broke her. She had her associates degree and was working on a bachelor's but it was all crushed. She had pushed the abuse so far down that it came out subconciously.
Her son went to live with her aunt and uncle and has thrived there. He is now 15. She had 2 relationships with men but always knew she was a lesbian but was too afraid of what her family would think. But at 30 years old she had to become herself. Of course, they were shocked and horrified and they still believe she will go to hell. She is a Christian and has researched plenty enough to believe that God will not send her to hell for loving someone.
She told her son that she was gay last year when he was 14. She had hidden it from him for 5 years. He has now told her he wants no contact with her and that he won't forgive her for being gay. This breaks her every single day. She sits and stares at his pictures but she can't cry. Crying was forbidden as a child or there were dire consequences. She still doesn't "know" how to cry.
The biggest part of this story is that at 30 years old she tried to kill her father. Her brother had gone to visit him and he called crying saying that his father had threatened to take him outside and beat him. He was 17. She and her mother went to pick him up. Her mother forbid her to ger out of the van but she immediately jumped out in the driveway and went into his trailer where he lived in his mother's driveway. He immediately stood up and kicked her back into the doorway saying "You get out of here!" But you see, she was no lounger that scared little girl. Her father had esophageal cancer and was weak. She pushed him hard and he fell onto the sofa. She jumped on him and put both hands around his throat. He could barely talk but managed to squeak out "the gun is in the corner, use it". She said "No, I want to do this with my hands just as you hurt me with your hands and body". She choked him it seemed like forever. Her brother finally broke in and pulled her away. You see, he had been looking through the window the whole time and was going to let her punish their father but then he realized she was going to kill him. The father grabbed the phone and her grabbed it away saying "If you call the police on her, we will air everything you did to her".
They both left with their mother after that and later found out that she had dislodged the stint in his throat that he had due to the cancer. She didn't speak to him for 6 months after that. He died 6 months later. She never apologized. She never got closure. She will never have it. She has his ashes in a little pretty glass bowl. She treasures them but doesn't know why.
The confusion is terrible. Why does she miss him so? He hurt her so bad. She has PTSD due to his abuse. She lost her son due to it. She lost her dreams. She almost lost her life twice due to suicide attempts.
This little girl who is now 35 years old is guilty. The guilt is immense. She takes so many medications. She is in recovery from alcoholism and fights it everyday.
This little girl can't find a purpose. Her son was her purpose. Her plans and dreams were her purpose.
She was put on disability at 25 years old and the doctors won't let her off. She is scared to leave her house. She rarely feels safe. Although, she is the one who is the most dangerous to herself.
She prays for peace. She has good days. She laughs but it's forced. She doesn't feel that she belongs anywhere.
But she is healing slowly. She is getting stronger, although it's a slow process. She is an advocate for children. She has stopped child abuse in stores, at a neighbor's apartment, and even at a Christmas event. She believes in speaking out. She believes in helping children to tell someone, to get help from anyoone who will help. The damage is immense and it must stop. It ruins lives and she believes it is cause for many mental illnesses, alcoholism, and drug addiction. Please speak out. Help the children.
You may take a guess who this little girl is....thank you.
Also, I'm sorry for linking this twice. I had to add something and I'm still learning how to blog. Thanks for your patience.
Also, I would love to hear your comments if you would like to leave any. Thanks.
I'll make it as short as possible.
This little girl was raped by her father for the first time at age 7. This continued until age 12.
She was beaten by him as was her mother. They were married for 18 years before her mother decided this was enough. She blamed her mother more than her father simply because her mother knew of the abuse and didn't protect her. It took years for her relationship with her mother to become healthy and happy.
She had a child but she sent him away when he was 5 years old due to dissociations(losing time). She was no longer able to be a responsible mother and this terrified her and broke her. She had her associates degree and was working on a bachelor's but it was all crushed. She had pushed the abuse so far down that it came out subconciously.
Her son went to live with her aunt and uncle and has thrived there. He is now 15. She had 2 relationships with men but always knew she was a lesbian but was too afraid of what her family would think. But at 30 years old she had to become herself. Of course, they were shocked and horrified and they still believe she will go to hell. She is a Christian and has researched plenty enough to believe that God will not send her to hell for loving someone.
She told her son that she was gay last year when he was 14. She had hidden it from him for 5 years. He has now told her he wants no contact with her and that he won't forgive her for being gay. This breaks her every single day. She sits and stares at his pictures but she can't cry. Crying was forbidden as a child or there were dire consequences. She still doesn't "know" how to cry.
The biggest part of this story is that at 30 years old she tried to kill her father. Her brother had gone to visit him and he called crying saying that his father had threatened to take him outside and beat him. He was 17. She and her mother went to pick him up. Her mother forbid her to ger out of the van but she immediately jumped out in the driveway and went into his trailer where he lived in his mother's driveway. He immediately stood up and kicked her back into the doorway saying "You get out of here!" But you see, she was no lounger that scared little girl. Her father had esophageal cancer and was weak. She pushed him hard and he fell onto the sofa. She jumped on him and put both hands around his throat. He could barely talk but managed to squeak out "the gun is in the corner, use it". She said "No, I want to do this with my hands just as you hurt me with your hands and body". She choked him it seemed like forever. Her brother finally broke in and pulled her away. You see, he had been looking through the window the whole time and was going to let her punish their father but then he realized she was going to kill him. The father grabbed the phone and her grabbed it away saying "If you call the police on her, we will air everything you did to her".
They both left with their mother after that and later found out that she had dislodged the stint in his throat that he had due to the cancer. She didn't speak to him for 6 months after that. He died 6 months later. She never apologized. She never got closure. She will never have it. She has his ashes in a little pretty glass bowl. She treasures them but doesn't know why.
The confusion is terrible. Why does she miss him so? He hurt her so bad. She has PTSD due to his abuse. She lost her son due to it. She lost her dreams. She almost lost her life twice due to suicide attempts.
This little girl who is now 35 years old is guilty. The guilt is immense. She takes so many medications. She is in recovery from alcoholism and fights it everyday.
This little girl can't find a purpose. Her son was her purpose. Her plans and dreams were her purpose.
She was put on disability at 25 years old and the doctors won't let her off. She is scared to leave her house. She rarely feels safe. Although, she is the one who is the most dangerous to herself.
She prays for peace. She has good days. She laughs but it's forced. She doesn't feel that she belongs anywhere.
But she is healing slowly. She is getting stronger, although it's a slow process. She is an advocate for children. She has stopped child abuse in stores, at a neighbor's apartment, and even at a Christmas event. She believes in speaking out. She believes in helping children to tell someone, to get help from anyoone who will help. The damage is immense and it must stop. It ruins lives and she believes it is cause for many mental illnesses, alcoholism, and drug addiction. Please speak out. Help the children.
You may take a guess who this little girl is....thank you.
Also, I'm sorry for linking this twice. I had to add something and I'm still learning how to blog. Thanks for your patience.
Also, I would love to hear your comments if you would like to leave any. Thanks.
BRAVE.
http://www.justtell.org/
I
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| The feelings will remain but yes, you will be free to be you again! |
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| So,so TRUE! |
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| God Bless this little girl! |
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| I will listen and believe you. I will do none of the others. |
Honesty...
I mentioned previously that I'm in recovery. I consider myself as being so but others may not as I still take pills. I take ativan for anxiety and hydrocodone for pain. And I certainly take more than prescribed at times.
The reason I say I consider being in recovery is because I did hard drugs and drank like a fish. I no longer do that and my life improved drastically when I stopped. Maybe I should just consider myself improved....I don't know.
I just now realized that I didn't mention this in my previous post.
The reason I say I consider being in recovery is because I did hard drugs and drank like a fish. I no longer do that and my life improved drastically when I stopped. Maybe I should just consider myself improved....I don't know.
I just now realized that I didn't mention this in my previous post.
Ya ever feel like beating someone within an inch of their life?
I know this is very wrong. But I have two uncles(Mom's brother's) that are simply killing my grandma. My grandma is 84 years old. She lives at an assisted living center in an independent apartment. My older uncle has an apartment in Memphis that he pays sky high rent for BUT stays with my grandma most of the time. Her apartment is tiny(perfect size for her though) and he clutters it to the point you can't even walk throught it. She has to step over his messes to get from room to room. I fear she is going to fall and break a hip and never come home from the hospital. I've had too many relatives this has happened to. They go in with high spirits, have the surgery, but afterwards they forget who we are and go downhill...next thing we know we are burying them. We all know he has mental problems and he needs help, but he was layed off over a year ago and his unemployment has run out, so he isn't able to seek help. I just want to shake him! I don't think he can function on his own. He has always lived with my grandma. I worry what he will do when she's gone. But she is still here and having to deal with all this in the last years of her life! I understand being mentally ill is very hard(I'm on disability for it!) but you shouldn't punish others for it. I believe he should move to a group home(he would qualify).
My younger uncle(50 years old) is addicted to marijuana and crack cocaine. I understand firsthand about drug and alcohol addiction as I've been there but I'm in recovery now. I understand the delusional thinking that comes with addiction. You don't realize the damage you are doing to your family and friends not to mention yourself. He has gone through periods of recovery but always relapses. I love him very much as I do my other uncle. He has a great heart but his addictions have him out of control...in and out of jail, court costs,etc. The biggest issue with this is that he goes to my grandma's EVERYDAY begging for money and it wears her down so much but she gives it to him anyway just to have peace. She has been trying to ignore his calls and even not answer the door when he comes knocking. She told him today that one reason she is doing this is because she wants him to realize what ti will be like when she's gone. He lives with a woman that is the most selfish human being I know. She is also a drug addict. When he is in jail she still calls begging my grandma for money. It just tears Mae(grandma) apart. She worries that if she doesn't help him, he'll wind up on the street. Plus she worries herself sick that both of them will end up homeless once she's gone.
Anyhow,if you happen to read this, please say a prayer for my sweet grandma. Thank you.
My younger uncle(50 years old) is addicted to marijuana and crack cocaine. I understand firsthand about drug and alcohol addiction as I've been there but I'm in recovery now. I understand the delusional thinking that comes with addiction. You don't realize the damage you are doing to your family and friends not to mention yourself. He has gone through periods of recovery but always relapses. I love him very much as I do my other uncle. He has a great heart but his addictions have him out of control...in and out of jail, court costs,etc. The biggest issue with this is that he goes to my grandma's EVERYDAY begging for money and it wears her down so much but she gives it to him anyway just to have peace. She has been trying to ignore his calls and even not answer the door when he comes knocking. She told him today that one reason she is doing this is because she wants him to realize what ti will be like when she's gone. He lives with a woman that is the most selfish human being I know. She is also a drug addict. When he is in jail she still calls begging my grandma for money. It just tears Mae(grandma) apart. She worries that if she doesn't help him, he'll wind up on the street. Plus she worries herself sick that both of them will end up homeless once she's gone.
Anyhow,if you happen to read this, please say a prayer for my sweet grandma. Thank you.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Could run a thousand marathons better than frying an egg,,
I was up all night again last night. Will this ever stop? It rarely lasts this long.I'm giving major stress the credit.
And so far today hasn't been well either. I burned our breakfast except the eggs since I simply can't fry one. Kelly fried the eggs and they were great. However, the bacon and biscuits didn't turn out well since I cooked them. Sometimes things that shouldn't become comical just DO!!
And so far today hasn't been well either. I burned our breakfast except the eggs since I simply can't fry one. Kelly fried the eggs and they were great. However, the bacon and biscuits didn't turn out well since I cooked them. Sometimes things that shouldn't become comical just DO!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Cancer...
I have recently found that my best friend since we were 13 has uterine cancer. She wants to have a baby so bad and has refused a hysterectomy for now. She is taking medication to kill the cancer cells. She goes back for another D&C in a few weeks. If the cancer is still present, she will have the hysterectomy.
I'm really worried for her. I researched uterine cancer...she has stage 1 but there is a danger with that. There are microscopic cells that tests can still not detect, therefore the cancer could spread to other organs, mainly the lymph nodes surrounding the uterus. But they are also known to spread to the lungs and brain. Plus there is a high risk of recurrence.
I'm praying my heart out for her.
If you read this, please say a prayer for her.
Thank you.
I'm really worried for her. I researched uterine cancer...she has stage 1 but there is a danger with that. There are microscopic cells that tests can still not detect, therefore the cancer could spread to other organs, mainly the lymph nodes surrounding the uterus. But they are also known to spread to the lungs and brain. Plus there is a high risk of recurrence.
I'm praying my heart out for her.
If you read this, please say a prayer for her.
Thank you.
Going to be a long day...
I've been awake all night and I'd like to stay awake today so maybe I can sleep tonight.
My mind is loud with confusion and sadness. I pray and pray and I know that God will answer in his own time. I feel like I'm swimming in jello...sweet but sticky. The stickyness holds all my feelings that are so hard to let out. Crying doesn't come easy....it would be such a relief. I listen to sad songs trying to make myself cry but it never works.
Yeah, I know this is depressing but it's my life and I'm going to write about it to help release my emotions the best i can.
Until next time...
My mind is loud with confusion and sadness. I pray and pray and I know that God will answer in his own time. I feel like I'm swimming in jello...sweet but sticky. The stickyness holds all my feelings that are so hard to let out. Crying doesn't come easy....it would be such a relief. I listen to sad songs trying to make myself cry but it never works.
Yeah, I know this is depressing but it's my life and I'm going to write about it to help release my emotions the best i can.
Until next time...
Monday, January 7, 2013
Picture of My Son
This is my Keith...
He is so precious to me. I want him to talk to me! I don't understand how you forgive someone for being gay. There is nothing to forgive. But I guess he thinks there is. We have stayed very close through the years even though he is far away. I never thought a day would come that he wouldn't speak to me...
He is so precious to me. I want him to talk to me! I don't understand how you forgive someone for being gay. There is nothing to forgive. But I guess he thinks there is. We have stayed very close through the years even though he is far away. I never thought a day would come that he wouldn't speak to me...
Info On PTSD...it's no fun...
Symptoms of PTSD often are grouped into three main categories, including:
- Reliving: People with PTSD repeatedly relive the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma, such as the anniversary date of the event.
- Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts, or situations that may remind him or her of the trauma. This can lead to feelings of detachment and isolation from family and friends, as well as a loss of interest in activities that the person once enjoyed.
- Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being "jumpy" or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, and nausea.
5am....
So, it's 5am and I haven't slept. I have gotten alot of cleaning done though which I'm happy about. I simply can't sit still. I have fibromyalgia and I have to take breaks often but I still got alot accomplished :) Kaleb (my step-son) will be getting up at 6:15 to get ready for school. I like helping him get ready for school but it still makes me miss Keith(my son). My profile pic was taken when Keith was 11. He's now 15 and won't speak to me. I don't sleep well anymore due to this.
We were so close. I raised him by myself for 5 years and we did everything together. It angers me that I got sick and I had to send him away. I can manage the Bipolar but the PTSD is what gets me. I don't want to talk anymore right now....
We were so close. I raised him by myself for 5 years and we did everything together. It angers me that I got sick and I had to send him away. I can manage the Bipolar but the PTSD is what gets me. I don't want to talk anymore right now....
How do I find blogs in English? I keep finding Spanish..Help?
I keep searching blogs and only find ones in Spanish. It's irritating. I've researched but can't find an answer. Please reply if you know how to find English!! Thank you! I'm really new to this.
LOL..I just now realized I haven't posted titles!
So, I think it's going to be a long night. I can't sleep, yet again. I am alternating between FB and cleaning house. yuck! We had some remodeling done in our kitchen and the table is full of EVERYTHING....so I'm working to get it all cleaned because tomorrow someone is coming to fix our heater. I know this is boring but it is my blog, so I reckon I can right whatever I want,lol.
Kelly and Kaleb are sound asleep. I feel alone. But I feel alone even when they are awake and with me. I don't feel sorry for myself, so please don't get the wrong idea. I simply have feelings like everyone else. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel at all.
Kelly and Kaleb are sound asleep. I feel alone. But I feel alone even when they are awake and with me. I don't feel sorry for myself, so please don't get the wrong idea. I simply have feelings like everyone else. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel at all.
This is my first post so please bare with me. I've never blogged before but I thought it might help me vent a bit. Today has been a little rough. I am missing my son very much.
I told him that I was gay over a year ago. I thought he was old enough to know. He won't forgive me. He believes it is a sin and he wants no contact with me. I just found this out right before Christmas so life has been hard since then.
I told him that I was gay over a year ago. I thought he was old enough to know. He won't forgive me. He believes it is a sin and he wants no contact with me. I just found this out right before Christmas so life has been hard since then.
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